So….
I have seen a lot of things I want to reblog this morning, but its rough morning for me. I am realizing as we get closer to Christmas how alone I feel. I am making an appearance Christmas Eve at my cousin’s house…it’s not something I really want to do but I feel like I need to since this is the first Christmas my Great Aunt is not with us. I will go for a little bit but none of these people really know me…I will sit off to the side alone and keep to myself. I hate it! Then I will come home to an empty house because my roommate is going to be with her family and staying there the night. I know this sounds obsurd, but its sad to know that I am going to be alone on Christmas. To wake up alone with no one around. To do what. Sit on the couch, read my book or maybe watch a movie on my computer. I know its not healthy to be around my immediate family…they are toxic and as part of my recovery (I was diagnosed bipolar 2 a year and a half ago) its vital for me not to subject myself to that. Sad that I don’t even want to be around them, I would like to be for my niece and nephew, but it’s really not worth it. The last time I spent Christmas with my brother he proceeded to punch me in the face….I have no desire to relive that again. So for my own well being I can’t be around them.
For some reason today is particularly hard. I realize that I am giving a gift with love to my roommate and that’s it. My niece and nephew are getting itune giftcards…but I don’t feel great about it. It’s just giftcards. Then I realize I will be alone from Christmas Eve until sometime Christmas night….I am not a cryer, but today I have cried. My roommate left to do errands and what not, I did dishes, but all i have done is cry. Now I have to get ready and go to work for 10 hours. Hoping that work will help take my mind off of things.
I just wish I had a supportive family that would take the time to get to know me for the changes that have bettered my life and my mental health. Today I feel very secluded in my own world and I realize how much I miss having good friends and family around. My number of friends has dwindled…the one’s that you can count on. I am down to 2. It’s crazy to me….i have done so much for so many in the past and now when I could use the support….nothing.
sorry for the babble the few of those that follow me. I normally am not this down, I just realize this Christmas season is taking its toll…like my birthday wasn’t bad enough.
